Special from Bottom Line/Personal, October 1, 1999
A good marriage is based on much more than good sex. But couples who let physical passion drift away lose an essential emotional connection to each other.
Often the feelings of romance and attraction that first drew together a man and woman get lost over time. This is because the couple fails to recognize, appreciate and understand the natural differences between the sexes.
This lack of understanding can lead to feelings of rejection... frustration... and, ultimately, to sexual and emotional distance.
It is, of course, possible to improve your sex life -- and in all likelihood the quality of your marriage.
SEX AND COMMUNICATION
Both men and women are looking for the same things -- connection, intimacy and love. But the ways they go about meeting these needs are different.
For most men, the primary way of connecting is through sex. Women connect primarily through verbal communication.
When a woman feels that her need for communication is not being taken seriously by her partner, she begins to lose her enthusiasm for sex. Similarly, if a man's sexual needs are not satisfied, his ability to be expressive in other ways tends to diminish.
Fortunately, the opposite is also true. When a woman's communication needs are met, sex becomes more satisfying to her and she can enjoy it freely. When a man's sexual needs are regularly satisfied, he is more open to verbal sharing.
When we expect the other person to respond the same way that we would, we get into trouble.
Example: A man comes home from a business trip. Almost immediately, he becomes amorous toward his wife. She says, But you just walked in the door -- we haven't even talked yet. He feels rejected because he doesn't realize that it isn't that she doesn't desire him... rather, she just needs to get in the mood. She feels rejected as well -- as though sex is all that really matters to him, when it's actually his way of wanting to be close to her.
To achieve ongoing intimacy and passion, we need to accept and work with each other's sexual and emotional needs -- rather than criticize them.
WHAT MEN CAN DO
From a woman's point of view, one of the most effective forms of foreplay is talking. If at bedtime a man touches his wife gently on the shoulder and says, Tell me about your day -- and really listens -- he'll be astonished at how sexually responsive she is likely to be when he reaches for her later. When her thoughts and feelings are valued, a woman experiences the trust that can help her be fully open to sexual intimacy.
Paying attention to romantic rituals is another powerful way for a man to rekindle passion. These rituals don't have to be elaborate. They include all the little things that show support and caring... the things that say to a woman that her husband is thinking about her and considering her needs.
Some of these rituals are practically universal and often chivalrous -- bringing flowers, opening the car door for her, offering to carry heavy loads. Many men have no problem making these thoughtful gestures when they're courting, but they stop doing them once the relationship is established.
Just because you've won a woman's affection is no reason to stop doing these things. Remember, considerate actions were part of the reason your wife fell in love with you in the first place. Think of them as a way of saying, I love you...you're special to me. Couples can also develop their own favorite rituals. Again, some of the simplest ones can be the most powerful.
Example: Whenever I come home, the first thing I do is find my wife and give her a hug. And when my wife comes home, I stop whatever I'm doing, find her and give her a hug. This makes her feel deeply valued -- and gives both of us a feeling of connection to each other.
WHAT WOMEN CAN DO
There is nothing inappropriate about a woman asking for more romance if she wants it... but she stands a better chance of having her desires fulfilled if she requests it in a positive way.
Men have a deep-seated need to feel competent and successful. A negative statement such as, You never buy me flowers, will make a man feel as though his wife doesn't recognize or appreciate the things he does do for her. He'll think, Why bother trying?
Better: Say to your husband, On your way home, would you please pick up some flowers? Follow this with genuine appreciation -- These are beautiful. Thank you.
You might think, It isn't romantic if I have to ask. But if you don't ask, how will he know what to do?
Asking gets the ball rolling. By being specific and positive about what you need and expressing appreciation for his efforts, you make it easy for him to succeed -- and to feel successful. That success will motivate him to continue making romantic gestures -- and eventually, he'll think of them on his own.
My wife used to ask me to bring home flowers. Once I even said to her, You're going to the store -- why don't you buy them? She didn't get mad at me for not "getting it"...she was willing to explain the obvious -- It's so much more romantic when you buy them for me.
Now, I usually remember to buy flowers. But when I forget, my wife has a friendly, nonjudgmental way of reminding me -- she sets out empty vases. I get the point... I don't feel criticized... I buy the flowers... and her appreciation makes me keep those romantic gestures coming.
CREATING VARIETY
A major way that men experience intimacy is through a woman's experience of pleasure.
A man wants to feel successful when he is trying to fulfill a woman -- that's how he bonds with her and feels close to her, whether it's in seeing how much pleasure she takes in sex or simply basking in her smile when he comes home.
Just as men often stop making little romantic gestures once the courtship stage has passed, women often stop showing their appreciation for the things a man does for them. This tends to make a man feel taken for granted... and he often withdraws.
Nowhere is this more true than where sex is concerned. Often, women don't realize that when they're too busy for sex or not in the mood, men view this as rejection. If a man feels rejected enough times, he'll begin to lose his attraction for his partner... and he'll stop initiating sex and other kinds of intimacy.
There are also times when a woman may be in the mood for sex but her partner is not.
There's a startlingly simple solution. If you have developed a broad sexual menu, neither of you will ever have to say no to sex -- if you don't want to.
A good sexual relationship includes not just one style of sex, but several. What I call "healthy home-cooked sex" takes about 30 minutes and allows time for the gradual buildup of passion that many women find most satisfying.
"Gourmet sex" -- which might last somewhere between one and two hours -- gives both partners the opportunity to be a little more creative in terms of the romantic stage-setting and their sexual experimentation.
Then there are "quickies," which don't usually take up much time or energy, but can be satisfying.
Caution: A sex life that is made up mostly of quickies will eventually make any woman feel resentful.
On the other hand, women need to recognize men's need to be appreciated sexually. When a man feels he won't be rejected sexually, his attraction for his partner will not only be sustained but will grow over time.
A couple willing to engage in all three sexual styles can make sure that both partners feel cared for.
SAYING WHAT YOU WANT
Communicating about your sexual preferences is a delicate matter. If there are things you would like your partner to do differently in bed, by all means say so -- but make sure you do it in a way that makes your partner feel successful... not criticized.
The best time to talk about sexual needs is not when you're about to have sex, but afterward. And the best way to phrase your request is in positive terms: It felt so good when you... or It might be fun if we tried....
Most people, male and female, are much happier to cooperate if they first get the message that what they've been doing is great... and can keep getting better and better.
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